My husband is a professor of history which means every three months or so his schedule changes. There tends to be an ebb and flow to his semester that I've tried to get used to these past eleven years. Truth be told, I'm probably not as good at it as I should be. His semester just ended and finals have been graded and most of those last minute requests have been handled and he is around. A lot. While I LOVE having him around (and I LOVE his flexible schedule...really, I do!), it's always a bit difficult for me to get used to. His freedom gives me options I don't always have. Sometimes...I even begrudge those options because it gives me a taste of something I don't always find. Balance.
If you would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said, "a mom." Simple as that. When I did grow up, I fought hard to accomplish that goal. Hard. It was a
long, difficult process filled with unimaginable heartache and equally unimaginable joy! I think because my journey was so difficult, I didn't know what to do with some of the feelings I experienced after those littles were finally undoing much of what I'd accomplished in a day and during long, sleepless nights. How could I feel I was losing myself in the middle of what I had literally spent years praying for?
Then, one afternoon while I sat waiting for my little distracted kiddo to finish his work, I began to write. I'd always found ways to write and always enjoyed it, but never thought about writing a book. That's a lie. I did think about it. I just didn't dare dream I could...because, what if I couldn't? So, I didn't set out to write a book. I didn't set out to do anything more than kill some time, but those twenty minutes here and there turned into more stollen moments and I gained so much more than I could have imagined. It awakened something in me. One day I'll find the words to describe it...but, one thought unmistakably swirled in my head, "There you are!" I found myself.
Whether you're an artist, a professional, an avid reader (ha!)...wherever you have ended up, I think we all struggle to find that sometimes elusive balance. We spread ourselves where we are needed and hopefully some places we want and feel guilty when we spend too much time in any one spot. One of the greatest lessons I finally learned is that balance will most likely look different every single day. I used to think that if I just scheduled my day well enough, I would find the time to do everything I needed and wanted. But, the little people in my house were schedule disrupters! When I planned to accomplish something during a naptime I could almost guarantee that would be the day the kiddo would nap fifteen minutes. Littles need their momma and they don't really care about a schedule. The solution for me, was allowing myself to live unbalanced. If you're husband walks in the door and tells you to go write, you kiss those babies goodbye, grab your laptop, and you don't begrudge the next day when you get nothing written. Or the next. My goals are simpler...my house maybe a little messier. Whatever. It's ok. Kids are happy and I still get to push that part of me that longs to be explored...just not necessarily every single day. Turns out balance really doesn't look like balance at all.
